face lift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

marrige

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK! AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

joke 1

A gorgeous redhead walks up to the crap table and announces,
"I want to bet $5,000 on a single role.  OK?"  The boss looks
up to management and gets the OK.

The redhead puts $5,000 down on the table and says, "Match it."
The table boss places $5,000 down next to it and hands the girl
the dice.

She states, "This is a lot of money.  I want to make myself
comfortable."  She then proceeds to undress.  She folds all
of her clothes neatly and places them on the side of the table.

When at last her panties and bra are on the pile she screams,
"Come to mama!" and throws the dice.  She screams, "I won!  I
won!" grabs her clothes, the money, the dice, and runs out.

The Boss looks at his assistant and asks, "Was it a 7 or a 11?"

Confused, the assistant replies, "Who was looking at the dice?"

We're together last night?  Oohhh how do you know I'm sleeping with you last night?  Do you feel me by your side as I hug pillow very tight just as would like to hug you and won't let go?  Mmmnnn would be dreamin' of you again tonite you know *wink*