シロモモ鎮魂歌校閲結果

GrammarlyのExpert Writing Serviceの結果（今月用クーポンがあったので今回は無料、依頼後1時間で戻って来た）。

Are you pounding mochi on the moon?

(A requiem for my pet rabbit Shiromomo ("white peach"))

 

Shiromomo, where have you gone?

When you didn't drink as much water

through the syringe in your mouth last night,

I knew this was coming.

 

Shiromomo, where is your soul now?

Not making any noise after midnight,

you slipped away quietly, alone,

before anyone noticed.

 

Lying stiff and cold, like a stuffed animal...

but your coat of fur as soft and smooth as ever.

 

A truly respectable lady you've been

for the past 13 years of our lives.

All the joy and happiness

you brought: quietly

without words, without trying.

 

Shiromomo, have you found your home yet?

Wait for us—no, don't!

Go wiggle into the place where life is born

in the form of a human being...

and you be happy this time.

 

Not drinkingからWhen you didn't drinkへの修正部分は韻を踏んだつもりだったので少し意外でしたが、やはり句読点やハイフンの使い方等、スッキリしてインパクトが増していると感じます。

in the moonがon the moonへ。前者の表記も見かけたことがありましたが、やはりonの方が多いのかも知れません。

気になっていたgo wiggle into辺りの表現はそれ程変では無かったのか、または微妙にコミカルに感じたのか？それなら良いのですが。

別のネイティブスピーカーにも感想を聞いてみたいところです。