Careful with that Opening Joke

うる覚えのジョークは、とんでもないミスをしでかすよ、、。気をつけよう。

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.

One of these speakers boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

Joke: Blame the wife

これを、ジョークと言えるかどうか？　こんな事を言われたら、もう、終わりだね、、。

A man with a gun is robbing a bank. He asks one of the bank customers if he saw him rob the bank. The guy says he did. The robber then shoots him in the head killing him immediately. The robber then asks a couple nearest to him the same thing. The husband says that he didn't but his wife did.

Ｊｏｋｅ ： Son wants to get married

父親はよく分かっているね、、。偉い、、。　結婚とはこうあるべき、、！！

 

Son: Dad, I want to get married.

Father: First, tell me you're sorry.

Son: For what?

Father: Say sorry.

Son: But for what ? What did I do?

Father: Just say sorry.

Son: But...what have i done wrong ?

Father: Say sorry!

Son: WHY?

Father: Say sorry!!

Son: Please, just tell me why?

Father: Say sorry!!!

Son: OK, Dad...i'm sorry!

Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!

Joke: True Love lasts forever

 真の愛は永遠に、、？？？

このジョークは単純明朗で分かりやすいですね。

 

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

 

 ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

 

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

 

 ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head.

 

‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Office Joke : Interview with the candidate

 これは面白いオフィスジョークだ、、。　つい大きな声で笑ってしまった。

 

 During an Interview the Employer asked the Candidate

Employer : 'How long did u work during your last job?

Candidate : 30 years.

Employer : What's your age?

Candidate : 20 years.

The Employer was surprised and asked the candidate that how it is possible that you are 20 and have a experience of 30 years.

Candidate : Overtime.

 

Family Joke : How were people born

 父親もなかなか、機転が利くね。　良い答えを出したな、、。私ならすぐには返答できないな～

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

 

Three spies captured in London : Joke

このジョーク国民性を理解していないと分からないよ、、。

　（Ｆａｃｅｂｏｏｋ）

 

One is German, one is French and the other is Italian.

First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others.

Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others.

Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"? Then the Italian man says, "I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".

Joke : Computer error

このジョーク、、分かるかな？？　　なるほどね、、。

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." . . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T .

Idiot Joke

チョット　幼稚な馬鹿の男のジョークだが、夏の暑い日には、あまり考えなくて簡単なジョークも良いだろう、、。

 

A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work.

They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light.

The taxi cab driver wasn’t sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?"

As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded..

"yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

Joke,, Is my time up ?

このジョークは以前、読んだことがあるのだか、、。 結構、笑えるよ、、。女性は変身して若くなりたいからね。   A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you!"

ジョーク： 子供のジョーク

学校に遅れてきた子供、、。

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: Because, of the sign!

Teacher: What sign?

Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

ジョーク、、、To kill my husband

処方箋を持っていると、、危ないね。気をつけよう！

 

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. 

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." 

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" 

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. 

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. 

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
 

Work Jokes-- I want this done right

 大変なことになったね、、。　尋ねる時は、紛らわしい言葉に気をつけよう。

 

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
 

Doctor Joke

分かりやすいジョークだね、、。

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 

Entertainment Jokes

 お酒と女性には気をつけよう、。　危ないよ、、。

 

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone, "We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.

The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.

The woman closes the bottle and put it away.

The man asks, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"

And the woman replies, "No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."