Not Wanting Kids Is Entirely Normal
Why the ingrained expectation that women should desire to become parents is unhealthy
JESSICA VALENTISEP 19 2012, 2:30 PM ET
FBに流れてきたので読んだら、２０１２年の記事なんですね。
One woman who got pregnant at 42 wrote, "I hate being a mother too. Every day is the same. And to think I won't be free of it until I am like 60 and then my life will be over." Another, identifying herself only as k'smom, said, "I feel so trapped, anxious, and overwhelmed. I love my daughter and she's well taken care of but this is not the path I would have taken given a second chance."
Gianna wrote, "I love my son, but I hate being a mother. It has been a thankless, monotonous, exhausting, irritating and oppressive job. Motherhood feels like a prison sentence. I can't wait until I am paroled when my son turns 18 and hopefully goes far away to college." One D.C.-based mom even said that although she was against abortion before having her son, now she would "run to the abortion clinic" if she got pregnant again.
The responses -- largely from women who identify themselves as financially stable -- spell out something less explicit than well-worn reasons for parental unhappiness such as poverty and a lack of support. These women simply don't feel that motherhood is all it's cracked up to be, and if given a second chance, they wouldn't do it again.
Some cited the boredom of stay-at-home momism. Many complained of partners who didn't shoulder their share of child care responsibilities. "Like most men, my husband doesn't do much -- if anything -- for baby care. I have to do and plan for everything," one mother wrote. A few got pregnant accidentally and were pressured by their husbands and boyfriends to carry through with the pregnancy, or knew they never wanted children but felt it was something they "should" do.
The overwhelming sentiment, however was the feeling of a loss of self, the terrifying reality that their lives had been subsumed into the needs of their child. DS wrote, "I feel like I have completely lost any thing that was me. I never imagined having children and putting myself aside would make me feel this bad." The expectation of total motherhood is bad enough, having to live it out every day is soul crushing. Everything that made us an individual, that made us unique, no longer matters. It's our role as a mother that defines us. Not much has changed.
Today, American women have more public images of themselves than that of a housewife. We see ourselves depicted in television, ads, movies, and magazines (not to mention relief!) as politicians, business owners, intellectuals, soldiers, and more. But that's what makes the public images of total motherhood so insidious. We see these diverse images of ourselves and believe that the oppressive standard Friedan wrote about is dead, when in fact it has simply shifted. Because no matter how many different kinds of public images women see of themselves, they're still limited. They're still largely white, straight upper-middle-class depictions, and they all still identify women as mothers or non-mothers.
American culture can't accept the reality of a woman who does not want to be a mother. It goes against everything we've been taught to think about women and how desperately they want babies. If we're to believe the media and pop culture, women -- even teen girls -- are forever desperate for a baby. It's our greatest desire.
If policymakers and people who care about children want to reduce the number of abandoned kids, they need to address the systemic issues: poverty, maternity leave, access to resources, and health care. We need to encourage women to demand more help from their partners, if they have them. In a way, that's the easier fix, because we know what we have to do there; the issues have been the same for years. The less-obvious hurdle is that of preparing parents emotionally and putting forward realistic images of parenthood and motherhood. There also needs to be some sort of acknowledgement that not everyone should parent -- when parenting is a given, it's not fully considered or thought out, and it gives way too easily to parental ambivalence and unhappiness.
Take Trinity, one of the mothers who commented on the Secret Confessions board about hating parenthood. She wrote, "My pregnancy was totally planned and I thought it was a good idea at the time. Nobody tells you the negatives before you get pregnant -- they convince you it's a wonderful idea and you will love it. I think it's a secret shared among parents ... they're miserable so they want you to be too."
日本と共通点が多いので驚く。
アメリカなんていうと、女性が社会進出して、政治家やら、知識人やら、兵士などなど、様々な女性像がメディアで流通しているものの、そうした多様な役割を担える女性というのは、大概は白人の上流ないし中流の異性愛志向の女性たちだけであって、大抵は、いまだに、女性は母親か母親じゃないか、で分類されており、かつ、母親でありたくない女性というのはアメリカ文化では受け入れがたく、１０代の女子でさえも、女性というものは、子供が欲しいものだ、ということになっている、と。
ところが、実際には、子育てにうんざりしている女性も多く、母親業が単調で退屈であったり、男が子育てに参加しない、といった不満を持つ女性も多い、と。
親に捨てられる子供が減らすには、貧困問題や、育児休暇、健康管理や、連れ合いにもっと子育てに参加するように推奨することも重要であるし、また、母親業、あるいは、子育てというものが、現実にはどんなにたいへんなものかについても、伝えて、子育てが嫌いな女性もいるのだ、ということも認める必要もある。
Why haven't you had kids yet?
Your life isn't complete until you've had kids
はやく子供つくればいいのに。
子供をもってはじめて一人前なのよ
みたいなことは、日本のおっさんやらおばさんが言いそうなセリフでもある。
