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Now that im having a difficulty adapting myself to the society where so much care is needed. maybe im sort of sick,,literally im sick of contacting people with extreme care. especially when i wait on customoers at IZAKAYA, i cant help but have a feeling that something is wrong. i dont hate working at service industry, but i dont understand why "salary men" in japan are that arrogant and why i need to serve them as they order(the way they order is unclear and blunt most of the time.) i wanna ask them to at least give an order clearly for gods sake. and so many time i have to care "what they think is rude". there are so many "taboos" in this society!!
That is...i dont like "the customer is god(or king?)" way of thinking, which is the mainstream in all Jap company.

Other than that the social life im having now seems superficial one. i dont wanna hurt people, so i take care not to offend anybody. And it seems that..so does everybody. There are not so many cases i get down, but i feel this is not a real friendship or an interaction with peole. maybe this is because the friends i made with in Aus were such good people...and i could let myself out easily..or there was no choice but do so cos i had no room in my mind esp at the beginning)

And, there is more.it happened at seminar class at Uni,,,when i said something straightly to my professor, students sitting there all laughed and gave a atomosphere that as if they think "oh she said it!" although i just asked a question about what was not clear about what the teacher said. I was surprised at the reaction they showed.

i dont really wanna emphasise this, but i think Australia experience strongly affected me. these things didnt annoyed me so much just after coming back to japan because me at that time was most big-hearted, ever. but now that ive adapted myself to Japan and im getting back to Japanessie day by day. (I never thought ive changed in Aus and i was always thinking im too japanese but i guess some parts of me have actually changed. and i cant change myself to me before like accepting everything though i have doubts about it.)

Its no use claiming that im changed. But this is true i feel really uncomfortable with the present situation. I could naturally adapt it before, but its bothering me so much now.

and now im hoping there are rooms where i can run into when i have some worries or whatever i wanna talk to my friends. of course like IH.

if a doctor diagnoses my illness, he will call it "Ih disease."
I didnt mean to put this article in public at first...cos its too embarrassing to let it out to people that im still looking back on past and havent moved on. My time hasnt got forward for 5 months...