準1級: Do you think that Japanese companies need to improve their treatment of female workers?

Yes, I do. I think that Japanese companies need to improve their treatment of female workers. 

This essay will explain the two main reasons for my argument 

in terms of child raising and success of the company.

→ the two の the不要/ child-raising または child-rearing 子育て/ "the" success of companies or a company

First, women all over the world will have their children. 

→ ordinarily 準1級 普通は、人並みに have their children

And, child rasing is extremely essential for them and the future of Japan.

→ child-raising/ essential 準2級→ crucial 準1級 (一語で)極めて重要な ※よってextremely 極めて は不要

ex1: The future of Japan and their children depends on child-rearing.

ex2: Taking care of children is crucial to their future as well as to Japan's.

ex3: Japan's future and its children's future depend on raising them well. 

Companies should give priority to women for children who have a bright future.

→ for "their" children/ who → to

ex1: To ensure their children have a bright future, companies should give priority to women.

ex2: Companies should give priority to women for the future of their children.

ex3: Investing in women can ensure that their children have a bright future.

It plays an important role in becoming good country.

→ "a" good country/ good → prosperous 2級 繁栄する、富裕な、(経済的に)成功した/ developed

Second, women do not have much physical strength basicaly.

→ スペル確認 basical+ly

Also, they do not have much time to rest because of education.

→ education → educating their children

ex1: As a result of educating their children, they have little time to rest.

ex2: The education of their children leaves them little time to rest.

ex3: Due to their responsibilities as parents, they do not have much time to rest.

If companies improve their treatment of female workers, 

→ If companies treat their female employees better. ※ 同じ表現を避ける

their works will much better.

→ 労働 不可算名詞 work/ "be" much

ex1: they will produce better work.

ex2: there will be a significant improvement in their work.

ex3: this will result in much better work.

So, it has a positive effect on companies, too.

→ too → as well の方が格調が上がる

For these reasons stated above, I think it is necessary that Japanese companies to improve their treatment of female workers.

→ "need" to/ improve → boost, enhance

合計145語