Aussie sports wrap - rising from The Ashes

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Who's saying what

Jack Watts!? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzYRvaD-xkQ)

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CRICKET

As the sun set on Day 1 of the Third Test at the WACA last Thursday Australian cricket was begging for its life.

Bowled out in two and a half sessions on Day 1 of the Test that surely had to be won if the Ashes were to be saved fake baume & mercier watches the Aussie team had never looked so helpless. Ponting had failed again Clarke had failed again Phil Hughes had failed again Hussey had carried the weight of the team on his shoulders again. Many hoped but few believed that Mitchell Johnson's confident showing with the bat would be replicated with the ball.

Paul Kelly once sung of Bradman "they say the darkest hour is right before the dawn. And in the hour of greatest slaughter the great avenger is being born". There'll be no parallels drawn between Mitchell Johnson and Bradman on these pages but the darkest hour was almost certainly enveloping Australian cricket on Thursday evening; and the contrast between that gloomy backdrop and Mitchell Johnson's spectacular spell on Day 2 was blinding.

Like many sporting 'heroes' Johnson is a flawed genius. The tough stickers across his forearms and back suggest a tortured soul with no concept of how ridiculous he'll look in 40 years. The Rebel Sport advertisment where he stands inexplicably shirtless suggests he has no concept of how ridiculous he looks now. His girlfriend can and probably has beaten the suitcase out of him with her bare karate-trained hands on several occasions. And in the First Test he couldn't hit the ocean if he was swimming in it. But on Day 2 he had the ball tracking an untraceable S-bend trajectory towards the stumps. Figures in the realm of 6/38 are unlikely to be seen again in this series.

Andrew Strauss failed to conceal his concern at Johnson's inswinging yorker that almost cut off his ankles early in the first innings. Just minutes later he was back in the pavillion surely requesting that someone check Johnson's pockets for bottle caps and screwdrivers. No English cricketer has looked as ridiculous as Paul Collingwood did as he sat staring at the patch of dirt where he thought the ball should have pitched. At least not since Phil Tufnell dropped the ball he threw to himself. Even the slips cordon was dumbfounded by the swing Johnson was extracting from a red mass of cork and leather.

The tone was set and the choir barely wavered from that moment on. Harris looked less like a grinder and more like a devastating strike bowler in the second innings; Australia fell in love with Mike Hussey all over again; and if you didn't make some sort of animal noise when Steve Smith scooped up Collingwood's shooting outside edge on the last ball of Day 3 the AFP will be around shortly to collect your passport and sprig of wattle - there is no place for you in this great country.

But the excitement that now pervades this recidivitst cricket-loving nation is perhaps an indication of how desperate we were for a win rather than how well we think the boys are actually playing.

Leaving aside an inconsequential 51 in a dead innings in the first test Ponting is averaging single figures from 5 Ashes innings and that's when he had 10 fingers; Clarke played a good 20/20 innings but a pretty poor must-win test innings; we have only one opener worthy of the baggy green but after watching his petulant disrespect for the umpire's decision in the second innings you almost wish he didn't have one; and the next two tests will be played on pitches that reward good patient spin bowling and we don't have a good patient spin bowler.

Are we back in the hunt? Absolutely. But England can afford to lose one and don't have to win one. Australia has neither of those luxuries. The $2.65 on England to retain the Ashes is still where the smart money is so let's just pump the brakes a bit.

But no matter how hard we try to pump those brakes replica montblanc sport gold sale Boxing Day is going to be bigger than Christmas.

AFL

In their continuing attempts to regain form through adherence to sporting nomenclature the Essendon Football Club announced that they'll be moving house in 2011. Having already regained the services of Bomber Thompson what greener pastures have coaxed Bomber's Bombers away from Windy Hill?

Melbourne Airport of course.
 
As far as we're aware the defining characteristics of Melbourne Airport are tarmac jet fuel and bans on liquid and fruit so the move clearly won't result in sharper skills or better nutrition. We can only assume that the Bombers have made their way to the city's biggest airport because that's where a Bomber should live.

The trend may be catching on. Rumours abound that the Kangaroos are moving to Anglesea Golf Course the Power are shifting to the Snowy Mountains and the Blues are setting up shop in Memphis Tennessee. Wouldn't it be nice if the Demons would go to hell.

And finally...

Speaking of the Melbourne Football Club Demons fans around the inner south-eastern suburbs almost choked on their eggnog this week upon hearing the results of the club's pre-season 20m sprint time trials.

Surely Aaron Davey won it?
No.
Bennell?
No.
Any of the prized indigenous recruits?
No.
Surely someone under 195cm?
No.

Jack Watts imitation iwc classic pilot watches the Temazapam Kid himself is apparently the quickest bloke over 20 metres at Melbourne. Those who watched him in 2010 immediately wondered whether he started off 17 metres or whether there was a hurricane force tail wind localised entirely in his lane. But the numbers don't lie. The six foot six number one draft pick who plays the AFL equivalent of one-touch footy apparently has some toe as well. If he can manage to get the ball from his hands to his feet within five seconds in 2011 the Demons might see some return on their investment this year.....makes you sick to your stomach doesn't it?