Another year passed, then another.
Trying not to think about it was the only simple way to avoid complications. Complications included manic sprees and feelings of doubt; thinking about whether or not there was an actual meaning to all of this or not.
So Kako picked up after where she left off before. A feeling of necessity that wasn't too strong, but strong enough to make her want to start again. Picking up the pieces could potentially be hurtful and dangerous. Dangerous, meaning it could trigger another manic spree, and hurtful, because it would remind her of the years lost. Years that didn't have much meaning in themselves, so the pain would be a dull one. Nevertheless, painful. And if she were to meet her past, people in her past, or new people who would be interested in how sane she was, it could mean she would have to open up her closet of little skeletons and bones that those people would probably not understand.
Closing off --- hikikomori --- from society or from the past circles you survived in in the past is a way of keeping your inner self sound. It is a mechanism that helps keep away the germs that trigger bad things your mental or physical being remembers and doesn't want to go through again. By closing off, you are existing and floating in safe mode. Safe mode doesn't bring out any sparkling results or connect to exhilarating people, and from an outsider, you may not even exist or mean anything special. You could very positively be looked upon as a burden of society, but because you do not really interact, you are harmless to others outside your inner circle.
Coming out --- not from the closet, but into the world of the outer circle, still with your raincoat on, your mountain gear at hand, is still a scary thing.
Kako had gone through this process several times by now. Never was it a real success so far. She had put aside her doubts that always seemed to lead her to no man's land. That seemed the only way to live in the outer circle without getting lost. Time was getting on. She was growing old. Menopause was on its way. It seemed sad in a sense, because in her last journey, she still had hope in reproducing and she had cried about it. Now, that was not the case. She had one less thing to think about.
子供を授かるのはもう無理かもしれない、と泣いたのは過去のこと。
不思議と今はそれが無理なのは安心なことと思えるのだった。
現実的に考えて、今から子育ては無理だし、例えそんなチャンスがあっても、同世代が
子育て卒業期に移っているというのだから、並み大抵の努力では無理だろう。
カコはしばらく子育てや子供のことを考えることを封印していたことに気づく。
そうだった、2年前にもうラストチャンスかも、と泣いたのだった。案外通りすぎると
大したことではない。子育てをするのならこの人と、と思っていた人が過去のカコの人、
あるいは想像上の人物だと納得しつつあったのだから。
そう思っていたけれど、立ち上がって、新たに動き出して、過去のかけらを拾い上げて
捨てては考えて、また拾い上げるを繰り返すと、落ち葉から銀杏が出てくるのだ。
踏みつぶされて、ちょっと臭い銀杏が。
青の峠に登り始めたとき、それはもう10年以上前なのだが、放浪に駆り立てるきっかけとなった
かこのひとがいた。
過去の人。カコの人。
葵＝あおい と名付けよう。ネットで調べると、2019年夏にまつわる男の子の名前ランキングで
「あお・あおい」は一位。「碧」という字が一位。そして「葵」の字画はなんと大凶（！）と出ていたが、
草っぽいその感じと、一番に思い付いた漢字、ということ、「穏やかで気品がある人」という想いが
あると、どこかのだれかが言っているのであれば、よいのではないか。
In English, his name would be Aoi... Now that one is a hard one to pronounce. It would be like a vowel pronunciation exercise, reminding you of the golfer Aoki, who would be Ay-Okey in the western world? Do I really want to go there, or shall I call him Blue instead?
But Kako is Kako and not Past. Who names a girl 'Past'?
Sorry, a very famous person named a very famous person that with different Kanji of course.
That's why I named Kako Kako. Because it was a proper name, apparently.
Now, would people pronounce her, Ka-Ko, or perhaps, Kay-co as in Keiko?
Never thought about that one.
By the way, Kako in Japanese, as a word, means Past. As a name, it would depend on the Kanji, and as of yet, Kako has no Kanji name. Shall I give her one? Or maybe you could give her your own Kanji combination.
Back to our story.
Aoi or Blue. We will keep that open.
How much he will float in this story is yet to be decided because he really floats.
He floats in the past and in Past's past and he nearly went shipwrecked a couple of years ago but the point of today's post, or extract or whatever you want to call this is that he is back or at least alive in the sense that he is back in Kako's life. He will not be erased from her mind even though he has erased himself from her reality.
葵は過去にカコに銀杏の臭い、その当時はカコの部屋にたまたまあった、正確に言うとベランダかどこか
見えないところにあった銀杏のにおいに気づき、嗅覚が優れていることを印象付けたのであった。
そう、男性はたいてい嗅覚が女性より優れている。とその時勝手に結論づけたカコなのである。
犬のようだ。
女性は猫。猫は夜あるく。そこから放浪および夜回りが始まったのだろう。
そんな10年以上前の封印された過去の扉が今また開いたのだった。
落ち葉拾いと銀杏。
銀杏は臭いから捨てたはずだった。
でもふと、拾い物をしていたら、銀杏が出てきて、ゴミに捨てたんだけれど、
ゴミ袋からまた取り出した。
今のカコはそういう段階。
拾うのか、捨てるのか。
土に埋めてあったものが、これから冬を越え、どうなるのか。
銀杏を土に埋めるといいと聞いたことがあったが、今ネットで調べたら、10日ほど埋めておいて、
周りを腐らせて実のまわりを取り除くのだそうだ。忘れているとそこから木が生えてくることも
あるのだそうだ。カコが捨てた銀杏は木になったんだろうか？
においはもうない。跡形もないようで、そうでもない。
存在が消えても形跡は残る。
インターネットがそうであるように、私たちは消しても消しても消せない消しゴムを
頭と体に持っている。
カコを削り、それでも消えない浮遊する存在。
それが葵なのである。
Whether or not Kako still survives in Aoi is unknown.
Maybe she floats in his life as well.