Q. I have a 9 year old kid who refuses to go to school because he thinks other kids pick on him, looking at him in a mean way. When it comes to getting on the bus, he has tantrums, cries and refuses to go to school, eventually he starts complaining about some physical symptoms such as he has a headache, or has stomachache. If he is truly having these physical symptoms, I feel guilty pushing him to get on the bus and to head to school. Then there are days when he knows there is some sort of event going on at school, he will take that bus. I think he is dealing with anxiety issues, and exaggerating the situation. How can I help him as a parent?
A. Yes, very true, how much it hurts us as a parent to not feel our child's pain, yes, how can we send a child to school when he is complaining these physical symptoms. Our instinct as a parent is to protect them. We end up saying "OK. You can stay home."
Now, if this is an occasional thing, that's OK. We as adults even feel "Oh, i don't want to go to work today. I am going to take a day off." but we know if we keep on taking days off, we are not going to get paid, and we may end up being fired. then how are we going to pay our rent, right?
So it's OK, if a kid wants a bit of a break from school because sometimes school can be overwhelming. It's a jungle out there, having to deal with all the interaction with kids with different personalities. Yes. Understandable, however, it becomes an issue if it becomes an every day thing, that your kid misses school 18 days in a row, or misses school 10% of the time out of the whole school year. It is an issue if he cannot sleep because he is full of anxiety, cannot eat because he is constantly worried, can't get along with his siblings, he is irritable frustrated angry all the time. that calls for an attention. Also when this is going on for more than 2 weeks or that it's going for weeks and months.
Now, I need to separate anxiety over school refusal, because school refusal is another topic of its own.
So what I am saying first is that we need to distinguish between normal anxiety over anxiety disorder. It becomes a disorder when the child is not functioning as mentioned above.
So get proper diagnosis (there are websites to assess child anxiety). The earlier the better. Know that for children, anxiety is normal, because they are facing new challenges every day. There are so many things they don't know about life, they just haven't experienced life much yet like the adults. They also have this natural fear about anything unknown to them, like what's a day gonna be like at pre-school, as my granddaughter said, "What if I get hungry?". It's a natural anxiety.
The good news is, that even if your kid is diagnosed as anxiety disorder, in most cases, it can be treated.
When I am asked by parents to have sessions with their children, I always keep in mind that without the parents' cooperation, treatment is not possible. Parents think that if they send their kids to the therapist, they are done with their part, they feel relieved that they have handed their issues onto an expert and they can fix my kid's problem. No. I always find that 30% of the treatment may be with the particular kid, but 70% lies in the hands of the parents. Because unlike adults, when kids feel anxious, they first turn to their parents, so it's so important that parents know how they are responding to their children who are anxious. So after the session with the kid, I always send a follow up report and saying what parents can do at home, or to follow up on how they can relieve the kid's anxiety by changing their attitude and behaviors.
So how can parents help their children who are overly anxious?
1. Parents, know your own anxiety. : it is natural that parents feel helpless, frustrated, irritable, overwhelmed, and even angry. These are normal feelings. But your anxiety will rub off on to your children. If you are anxious about the scary world out there, they are going to pick up on that. They will start thinking that the outside world is a scary place to be, and they will fear even more.
2. Let them experience being uncomfortable, build their resilience : Parents these days are so busy. They have to go to work. So when the kids say "I don't want to go to school" they just say, "OK, stay home!" because it's easier, but that means they are allowing the child to avoid what they are faced with. They are missing the opportunity to build their muscles of resiliency. It's important that we build resiliency within our children. Yes, if you keep them at home, they don't have to face the world, they are protected, but after they leave school, they will eventually have to face the world. They will have to go to work. If you don't allow them to have that training at this younger age, you are not helping them for the future. It's not that they will easily learn to fight when that time comes, no. It's training them at this stage so that they are equipped to fight the world. Build their resiliency, to face the uncomfortable, build their distress tolerance.
3. Encourage and support the kids : In order for them to face the uncomfortable, their class mates saying mean things to them, for example, they need your support and encouragement. Tell them, "yes, i know it's not easy to take these things your friends say about you, but I believe you can deal with this. I will talk to your teacher about this, but you have to do your part by standing up to these bullies and to say, NO, stop it, when they try to say mean things to you." tell them that they can do it, that you believe in them that they can do it. No other encouragements will speak louder to them than yours, because you care most about your children. Children first turn to their parents , look to their parents, to soothe them in times when they feel scared.
4. Understand and accept them: It is so important for the child to know that you understand how they are feeling. When I have sessions with teenagers, they often say, "my mom never understands me" "my dad won't listen to me". they want to be heard. they want to be understood. Parents! you cannot be too busy, not even having time to listen to your children. Make the time to really sit down, look at their eyes and listen. Let them know how you feel about what they are experiencing, say "Yes, that must be so hard. I will also feel like not wanting to go to school if she looks at me like that."
5. Get support yourself : Know that you don't have to deal this alone. You really need support from others, like other parents who have children with anxiety issues. Also, reach out to parenting experts, get their advice, ask them to guide you. You will get tips from other parents who are also going through the same issues, you may get advice from those who have gone through. It feels good when you can vent some of your frustrations you have built up. Most of all, to know you are not alone.
So I hope these tips may help you and your child. I believe that "it takes the whole village to raise a child" and parents need support.
If you wish to have one on one consultation, please feel free to contact me. We will work through this together.
Please use the "contact" page at www.caretheworld.com
A. Yes, very true, how much it hurts us as a parent to not feel our child's pain, yes, how can we send a child to school when he is complaining these physical symptoms. Our instinct as a parent is to protect them. We end up saying "OK. You can stay home."
Now, if this is an occasional thing, that's OK. We as adults even feel "Oh, i don't want to go to work today. I am going to take a day off." but we know if we keep on taking days off, we are not going to get paid, and we may end up being fired. then how are we going to pay our rent, right?
So it's OK, if a kid wants a bit of a break from school because sometimes school can be overwhelming. It's a jungle out there, having to deal with all the interaction with kids with different personalities. Yes. Understandable, however, it becomes an issue if it becomes an every day thing, that your kid misses school 18 days in a row, or misses school 10% of the time out of the whole school year. It is an issue if he cannot sleep because he is full of anxiety, cannot eat because he is constantly worried, can't get along with his siblings, he is irritable frustrated angry all the time. that calls for an attention. Also when this is going on for more than 2 weeks or that it's going for weeks and months.
Now, I need to separate anxiety over school refusal, because school refusal is another topic of its own.
So what I am saying first is that we need to distinguish between normal anxiety over anxiety disorder. It becomes a disorder when the child is not functioning as mentioned above.
So get proper diagnosis (there are websites to assess child anxiety). The earlier the better. Know that for children, anxiety is normal, because they are facing new challenges every day. There are so many things they don't know about life, they just haven't experienced life much yet like the adults. They also have this natural fear about anything unknown to them, like what's a day gonna be like at pre-school, as my granddaughter said, "What if I get hungry?". It's a natural anxiety.
The good news is, that even if your kid is diagnosed as anxiety disorder, in most cases, it can be treated.
When I am asked by parents to have sessions with their children, I always keep in mind that without the parents' cooperation, treatment is not possible. Parents think that if they send their kids to the therapist, they are done with their part, they feel relieved that they have handed their issues onto an expert and they can fix my kid's problem. No. I always find that 30% of the treatment may be with the particular kid, but 70% lies in the hands of the parents. Because unlike adults, when kids feel anxious, they first turn to their parents, so it's so important that parents know how they are responding to their children who are anxious. So after the session with the kid, I always send a follow up report and saying what parents can do at home, or to follow up on how they can relieve the kid's anxiety by changing their attitude and behaviors.
So how can parents help their children who are overly anxious?
1. Parents, know your own anxiety. : it is natural that parents feel helpless, frustrated, irritable, overwhelmed, and even angry. These are normal feelings. But your anxiety will rub off on to your children. If you are anxious about the scary world out there, they are going to pick up on that. They will start thinking that the outside world is a scary place to be, and they will fear even more.
2. Let them experience being uncomfortable, build their resilience : Parents these days are so busy. They have to go to work. So when the kids say "I don't want to go to school" they just say, "OK, stay home!" because it's easier, but that means they are allowing the child to avoid what they are faced with. They are missing the opportunity to build their muscles of resiliency. It's important that we build resiliency within our children. Yes, if you keep them at home, they don't have to face the world, they are protected, but after they leave school, they will eventually have to face the world. They will have to go to work. If you don't allow them to have that training at this younger age, you are not helping them for the future. It's not that they will easily learn to fight when that time comes, no. It's training them at this stage so that they are equipped to fight the world. Build their resiliency, to face the uncomfortable, build their distress tolerance.
3. Encourage and support the kids : In order for them to face the uncomfortable, their class mates saying mean things to them, for example, they need your support and encouragement. Tell them, "yes, i know it's not easy to take these things your friends say about you, but I believe you can deal with this. I will talk to your teacher about this, but you have to do your part by standing up to these bullies and to say, NO, stop it, when they try to say mean things to you." tell them that they can do it, that you believe in them that they can do it. No other encouragements will speak louder to them than yours, because you care most about your children. Children first turn to their parents , look to their parents, to soothe them in times when they feel scared.
4. Understand and accept them: It is so important for the child to know that you understand how they are feeling. When I have sessions with teenagers, they often say, "my mom never understands me" "my dad won't listen to me". they want to be heard. they want to be understood. Parents! you cannot be too busy, not even having time to listen to your children. Make the time to really sit down, look at their eyes and listen. Let them know how you feel about what they are experiencing, say "Yes, that must be so hard. I will also feel like not wanting to go to school if she looks at me like that."
5. Get support yourself : Know that you don't have to deal this alone. You really need support from others, like other parents who have children with anxiety issues. Also, reach out to parenting experts, get their advice, ask them to guide you. You will get tips from other parents who are also going through the same issues, you may get advice from those who have gone through. It feels good when you can vent some of your frustrations you have built up. Most of all, to know you are not alone.
So I hope these tips may help you and your child. I believe that "it takes the whole village to raise a child" and parents need support.
If you wish to have one on one consultation, please feel free to contact me. We will work through this together.
Please use the "contact" page at www.caretheworld.com
