Q: I had shared my personal issues with someone I have known for some time. I thought she can be trusted, but it turned out that she had shared with my other friend. I found out about this b/c she came up to me and said that "I heard about you." I never thought that my friend A will be sharing this with my other friend B. So my first reaction was to be very upset that A had shared something that I considered it to be private. Now, I no longer trust A and truly regret that I shared my personal and private issue with her. What have I done wrong to share? and how am I to now relate to A?
A: I am sure you had trusted A in the first place that this was a personal issue that needs to be kept private. Perhaps you assumed that A will not share this with anyone, but apparently she did. You trusted A so you shared. There was nothing you have done wrong. But people change every moment, you just don't know what kind of mood she was in when she shared your issue with B. Also, she could have been someone you trusted way back, but now she could have changed.
People change all the time, and you just don't have control over that. You spoke to A for whom you knew few years back and perhaps not how she is of now. That being said, it is one thing to know her well before you share.
Also, if she knew that what you shared was personal and private, A should not have over-shared with B. In other words, she stepped over your boundary. She had no respect towards you of the boundary you had laid. Over-stepping the boundary may be the word. Again, what is done is done, there is nothing you can do about it, but moving forward, know who you are talking to. Can this person be truly trusted?
One other thing you may have said to A was "I trust you and I want this to be private and confidential" when that warning was laid out in front of her in the beginning, she may have listened to you with a different ear. She will be more attentive to hearing what you are going to share. Then you will have a different conversation if she had violated your trust.
As I mentioned, if you are going to be vulnerable to share your raw self,
then know whether the person is trustworthy or not
and in order to know if you can trust that person, you have to spend time to get to know the person
to gain that trust
Will they listen to you without judgement? without criticism? without opinions of her own.
if you need to hear her advice, then ask.
you will know whether the person is really there to care for you
if she respects the confidentiality you had laid out in the beginning
we are all conditioned to help others in need, if we have good heart
so people seek for solution, try to get advice
but sometimes that's not what they want
sometimes they just want someone to listen
so they can sort out what's going on in their lives with this particular issue
so if you are on the listening end, you can ask the person
"do you want me to just listen to you?"
"or do you want my advice?"
"i am here to listen to you, but I may not have any good suggestion to your problem,
but is that OK?"
you want to give what they are looking for, you cannot assume, just b/c they started sharing their problems.
Also, if A is a good person, in general
you may want to give her another chance
forgive her for the over-sharing she had done
and start building the trust between you and A
and just let her know what you are about to share need to be kept between you and A
that way she is now aware that it's not to be shared with anyone else
sometimes people need a reminder
I know that A may not have shared with B with mal purpose
perhaps she wanted B to reach out to you
we just don't know, give her the benefit of doubt
but with your negative thinking that A is a rumor spreader
then you label her as so and do not give her another chance
people make mistakes all the time
so it will be generous of you, to have that character to
forgive and to give her another chance
if she deserve to be done so
I hope this helps
Relationship is hard
and gaining trust is hard
it's something you both need to work on
but in the end, it's worth while
know who you want to keep as a friend for good
and to know who may be ending up as a toxic relationship
weed out relationship that may not serve you
and this is a good time to do so at the end of the year
time is precious, your time needs to be spend to develop the good characters within you
Good luck
If you need more in-depth guidance, feel free to contact me through
www.caretheworld.com
A: I am sure you had trusted A in the first place that this was a personal issue that needs to be kept private. Perhaps you assumed that A will not share this with anyone, but apparently she did. You trusted A so you shared. There was nothing you have done wrong. But people change every moment, you just don't know what kind of mood she was in when she shared your issue with B. Also, she could have been someone you trusted way back, but now she could have changed.
People change all the time, and you just don't have control over that. You spoke to A for whom you knew few years back and perhaps not how she is of now. That being said, it is one thing to know her well before you share.
Also, if she knew that what you shared was personal and private, A should not have over-shared with B. In other words, she stepped over your boundary. She had no respect towards you of the boundary you had laid. Over-stepping the boundary may be the word. Again, what is done is done, there is nothing you can do about it, but moving forward, know who you are talking to. Can this person be truly trusted?
One other thing you may have said to A was "I trust you and I want this to be private and confidential" when that warning was laid out in front of her in the beginning, she may have listened to you with a different ear. She will be more attentive to hearing what you are going to share. Then you will have a different conversation if she had violated your trust.
As I mentioned, if you are going to be vulnerable to share your raw self,
then know whether the person is trustworthy or not
and in order to know if you can trust that person, you have to spend time to get to know the person
to gain that trust
Will they listen to you without judgement? without criticism? without opinions of her own.
if you need to hear her advice, then ask.
you will know whether the person is really there to care for you
if she respects the confidentiality you had laid out in the beginning
we are all conditioned to help others in need, if we have good heart
so people seek for solution, try to get advice
but sometimes that's not what they want
sometimes they just want someone to listen
so they can sort out what's going on in their lives with this particular issue
so if you are on the listening end, you can ask the person
"do you want me to just listen to you?"
"or do you want my advice?"
"i am here to listen to you, but I may not have any good suggestion to your problem,
but is that OK?"
you want to give what they are looking for, you cannot assume, just b/c they started sharing their problems.
Also, if A is a good person, in general
you may want to give her another chance
forgive her for the over-sharing she had done
and start building the trust between you and A
and just let her know what you are about to share need to be kept between you and A
that way she is now aware that it's not to be shared with anyone else
sometimes people need a reminder
I know that A may not have shared with B with mal purpose
perhaps she wanted B to reach out to you
we just don't know, give her the benefit of doubt
but with your negative thinking that A is a rumor spreader
then you label her as so and do not give her another chance
people make mistakes all the time
so it will be generous of you, to have that character to
forgive and to give her another chance
if she deserve to be done so
I hope this helps
Relationship is hard
and gaining trust is hard
it's something you both need to work on
but in the end, it's worth while
know who you want to keep as a friend for good
and to know who may be ending up as a toxic relationship
weed out relationship that may not serve you
and this is a good time to do so at the end of the year
time is precious, your time needs to be spend to develop the good characters within you
Good luck
If you need more in-depth guidance, feel free to contact me through
www.caretheworld.com
